This post is pretty personal. Just a warning for ya. But, that's OK. I want my blog to be personal and to generate discussion around real things in life. 

So, here's the debacle:
My Grandpa Bob. My mom's dad. To set the stage and give some background, it's important for me to say that I've never really ever been close with him. I have always felt indifferent about him. That is, neither really good, nor really bad. Christmas 2010 was a lovely one. My family (my mom, dad and little brother) were almost finished up with presents and the ones left to open were presents from my Grandpa Bob and his wife Darlene. Oddly, there was one for each person in the family but me. There was definitely a sense of "Oh wow, that's weird... it must have been an accident." or "Maybe my present got left in the closet or under a bed somewhere or left in the car" or even "Well, they're getting old. Maybe they forgot I live back in America now" 

My dad did mention VERY vaguely that they might harbor some hard feelings that I don't see them very often and I remember him asking me "Well did you get THEM anything?" I remember it being an odd question and an even odder feeling once I thought about it. Anyone who knows me well knows that I'm not so much a gift person. In fact, I really can't tell you how much I don't really care for gifts. Giving them or receiving them. So, the thought crossed my mind last year that it was a blatant action to give everyone a gift but me. I then later thought to myself "Oh that's just absolutely ridiculous. There's no way he would really do that" 

But, he did. He gave everyone a present but me. 

Fast forward to this year. My mom lets me know that he is on his way to drop off Christmas presents at her work. She tells me that if there's not one for me, then she wasn't planning to take any of the presents from him. She was nervous, but she felt the need to stand up for me, to protect me and do what was right. 

And so she did. She had to do what she hoped she wouldn't have to do - stand up to him and not accept any of the gives he came bearing. The card for my brother and the gift for my mom & dad was very intentionally shoved back into his car by my mother. He explained to her that I don't call him, I don't see him, etc. etc. Her action accompanied by a "No, thankyou" left him stunned to say the least. 

The irony of his comments and the obvious reasons he's upset are what get me fired up the most. Like, for instance the year that I was back visiting from living in Korea. I called him up and told him that I'd love to see him before heading back to Korea. He told me, in so many words, that they were too busy and didn't have time to see me. Huh. Ok. I actually didn't take it personally back then and just thought it was a bit weird, but hey... whatever. 

Then there was the time after I moved back from Korea that I got ahold of THEM and went over to their house for dinner. I actually had a really great time and enjoyed myself quite a bit. Have I seen them since then? Once at a family function. Not because I don't want to see them or because I don't care, but because life is rather busy. I barely find time to go up to see my parents. I see my Grandma Yo who I'm tremendously close with hardly ever. We talk somewhat often, but life is just busy. It's hard to connect sometimes. In fact, I really didn't keep record of this until this all happened and then I was able to recall these things that had happened.  

I"ve spent a great deal reflecting on this and praying through what part is the most hurtful/frustrating/irritating to ensure I can move forward with this. 

Here's what I have concluded:
  • There's no doubt he feels hurt from something. Whether it's something I did or not... he's hurting. It's important for me to realize that as much as I've been wronged, I must have compassion on what the root of all of this is.
  • I will be standing up for myself. I plan to have a conversation with him to tell him exactly what I think about it. I know he's old, and I know he's my grandfather. This conversation will be respectful in tone, but I will speak with a righteous anger to be straight forward about the situation. 
  • More than ANYTHING. I am ashamed of the person he is. Do you know he actually this Christmas gave my cousin Andrew $5, his brother $15 and gave my little brother $25? Haha, and I of course got nothing. What the hell. 
  • So, that's the type of man he is. While I've been indifferent all these years... seriously never thought poorly of the man my whole life... I simply DO NOT have room for people like that in my life. I really don't. 
  • I feel sorry for him and his lack of understanding of what unconditional love is. It pains me to know that he probably has never experienced and might not ever know what unconditional love is. The last time I saw them, they mentioned to me they were going to a church here in Boise. A solid church at that! This morning, as I pondered this, the thought of how he understands God's grace and what Christ did on the cross surely must be tainted in his mind and in his heart. 

And the last thing I know: I am in a position and have an opportunity to show him Christ-like unconditional love. To love even though I am in a way, hated. To love even though I have been wronged. To love despite of how it has made me feel and disappointed me. 

But I don't feel quite there yet. Not sure if I will actually go to his house to talk with him about this, or if I will just write a letter. Since letters can be revisited, I almost wonder if it would be the wisest way to communicate these things.

So. There you have it. The great debacle. It's caused quite the stir in the family and this is one thing that won't be going away anytime soon. 
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Shame on me... 01/06/2012
 
Flossing. I somehow for a solid year of my life during college flossed on a regular cadence. But aside from that year (I am horribly ashamed) to report that I am not a regular flosser. 

I am not a regular flosser. There. I said it.

Went to the dentist yesterday (I have a wonderful dentist here, by the way. His name is Dr. Ackerman). And while I watched Kourtney & Kim take New York (again, shame on me), my little gums were bleeding and swollen and I decided it's time to be more responsible and take up the habit of flossing regularly. So there you have it, a New Year's resolution that I KNOW is doable. 

Dr. happily reported my teeth are lovely, healthy and great... I just need to floss. Hooray! 

Along with flossing, here's a few other things I'd like to accomplish this year:
  • Chicago Marathon - October 2012!!!
  • Pay off some bills
  • Grow my photography business and challenge myself artistically
  • Plan my next overseas adventure 
  • Read more books
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